dearest hubby

i think it has been 2 to 2 half weeks since we are at the new premises. i am really grateful about living in such a place cus it's really convenient for us, and plus i have my own workroom. thank you for providing so well...

i am getting restless again. feel like returning to work but i think d is not ready. no use harping on it ...

i try to spend more time with you --- like dinner time talking to you and such.
but. *shrug* we still have not been sleeping with each other at all. neither di i even get a cuddle from you. i think you think there is no problem w that.
but ....
hiyah. fuck it.i am tired of it.

Dear dear

you said tonight, your last words, made me feel very bad.
Leave me alone.
Stop finding fault with me.
At work, everyone is already finding fault with me.

it makes me want to hug you, wanting to say, i want to make it better for you.i want to make you happy.

sigh.

you went straight to bed.

i washed up.

and then

i went to you and said i am sorry.

then you said ok and went back to sleep.

Thanks for watching the movie with me.. ya were sleepy yeah?
but it would be better if i was resting on your arms or something like tt
you know dear
each time i try tell you something,
you think iam complaining
that i am not happy with you.hhahah. i dunno what to do anymore.
just like this afternoon, i tell you i really felt damn lousy. damn lousy
wanted to drown myself in the bath tub , just tt the water is brown
and all i need is just a " y, why so sian? you ok? come here. hugs"

:)
i be fine ya know
i be fine. if tt something along that lines happened.
but you said " y so sian? y always unhappy? y move house already then unhappy. y ?
i panicked, and said, cus i am busy tt's y i am sian.

actually it's just plainly that i am sian with nothing behind it. hormones. pms
ya understand? and i HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT.
i also dun want tt


dear.
you know
i am really grateful for the house i am living in rite now
i want you to know i am not taking it for granted.
and i do know that it's only becus of you, that can happened.

i dunno how to put it.
everything will be perfect if you dun get angry at me tt easily.
or atleast allow me to feel miserable sometimes(not cus of you) and then cheer me up by listening.
i know you know how to make me happy.
you do.
you did.
you love me before
you were eager to make me smile
tt want.
can i have it back?
what should i do, can you tell me?
should i leave you alone?
i did ya know
for a while .
i drank red wine to sleep at night cus i just wanted your touch.
but you just come home, sian from work,
or just play with d
eat dinner
then make him sleep
Nothing about me
nothing
nothing.

sigh.

of course you are gonna say again that you tried to tell me abou work
and i din listen.
i know you will bring it up
so actually, did you notice this time round, when you said you were so sian about the interview, or nilesh,
i did listen
i sayang
i let you rest
i tried to cheer u up.
fug. i really am trying ya know

but,
if ever i am sian.
( or am i ever entitled to)
do i get any comfort from my husband
are ya being fair.
can you ask yourself
y are youso self absorb in yourself that you never notice me

am i just to exist to take care of D?
i dun warrant any love from you
i think i killed it?
even after giving birth, when my hormones are wrecked, and this kind of thing no one can control, you hated it. you hated me
you wanted to send me away.
you din try to comfort me
i still remember vividly.
cus dear
u hurt me badly

i hate myself for being so weak
each time i ry to tel u something along those lines, i cry, then u get irritated at me.
sigh.
it always comes out wrong.
u think i am complaining
but i was just trying to COMMUNICATE
and then wanting to hear your side
and reach a COMPROMISE

but you tell me the most hurtful things
" leave me alone"
" i cant stand you"
" sometimes i want to, then i look at you and then i dun feel like it anymore"

my gawd.
i feel like the ugliest woman with you.
what's wrong with just saying"hey you look nice in tt, you look pretty today or a i love you lao po"

marriage is not easy dear
i dun want you to just work and eat and sleep
i need more
i dun need you to sms me every hour to say i love you.
i dun need you to tell me i am pretty everyday

it can be as simple as a peck on the cheek. i love you
a ruffle on the hair
a "hey come into bed with me"
a " sitdown watch tv with me, even if it is soccer, i tel you, if you ever say that , i be over the moon and sit " lol
a " hey wanna do lunch?"
how;s your day
dylan got bullly you today?
a how's your ulcer?
how's your neck?
many ways. many manny

i want to do things for ya as well ya know
you know you like to eat the type of pasta?
i want to cook tt for ya.
i intended to , and maybe still intend to.

i see your cupboard messy, i pack for you.
do i get a simple thank you?

i tell you not to eat crab's roe or yolk cus i know your cholestrol level is high., you dun listen, and still eat
i nag at you to exercise cus i want you to be fit.
i ask endang to make the gingseng water cus i want to do something healthy for you but you dun drink.
i buy chrysanthyment cus i dun want you to get too heaty cus you always get ulcers. you say y no rock sugar
i buy the top and pants for you , but you never wear the things i buy.never. always the macquarie shirt. recent one was sleeve too short.
i snuggle up to you at night, do i get a response?, you stir and sleep,i tried a few times, i even try to be early not late in the nigh, sigh, guess youa re really tired. always.
and remembered when i called hk hotel to make starfruit juice for you cus you had a sore throat?

and then i tried teaching you how to make me happy effortlessly. like if you go overseas, get me something, anything. ANYTHING. a key chain, a pair of earrings. anything !!!!!! you have the time to look for storybook but no time to do somehing that you know will make me smile.
then when i fell sick and called ya for comfort. you say something nasty like y am i always falling sick when you are overseas... gosh. how cruel can you get.

dear.
i am very tired as well, tired of being so lonely
and i love you alot. u only.
i do.
if not, i dunno why i can stop crying now.
please,
please
remind yourself why you love me in the first place
y you chose me over puini.
y you told me you love me so much in theferry to macau tt if it sinks, you will do anything to keep me afloat
and
y you teared during your wedding.

i want this to work out.
you know why? cus i want to spend the rest of my life with you.
i want to give d a playmate too.
but i am so scared now.i am scared tt if i get pregnant and hormones screwed again.
you will give me the same treatment again.